pelagea_asmr A few of you have maybe already noticed, that I am gone for a while now. At this point I want to say for all who were worried - I am fine! Both, physically and mentally. It seems I just need to get clear about things for myself. This isn't actually an intended break. I was gone for holyday for two weeks and actually I prerecorded a few videos so that I can upload them while gone without having a break on my channel. I still have them on my computer. But then I couldn't force myself to upload them. I know this kills my channel due to the YouTube algorithms but that's just how it is sometines. It seems I need the room in time and space right now. I know I love to work on new videos, I love to record, to build backgrounds, to edit my videos. But most of all I used to love to share my work with you. But now I just wouldn't anynore. Days flew by and I was waiting for it to get better but I couldn't help, I still hated the idea to upload. It would mean I am back to it. All, the stress and demands and unhappy people in Dms and comments and all these other things. I started to think maybe its time to leave? Delete all the things I have on the internet? Life is so hard for all of us, I mean the real one, beside the internet. There are so many things to worry about, so many loved people to care about... and be worried about. And where's there the place for all my subscribers who count on me and get upset because I don't manage to get them the time and care they came for to my channel? Is it unfair twhen you need all your energy elswhere? Is it unfair to keep going on your channel even though you are probably too tired to make things right so that you still upset so many people? What is right and responsible for you? What is good for me? How do I know that? I don't seem to ne good at that. What would be the right decisions? Where do I look up? I have no idea and I so wish it would be easier to see and feel what's right. The only thing I know is that I don't actually want to be gone, I want myself to be able to manage better. Today I want to say sorry to everyone who feels upset by what happened. I really never want that for you and I hope you'll understand!

pelagea_asmr:
Reading the comments on my last Videos I kinda would like to write something here. Many seem to complain that the way I behave has changed so much and I kinda can see where it comes from but there's more to it. The thing is that the year 2018 was very difficult for me. I struggled a lot with having this channel, mean people, betrayal, dumb comments, sexism, ignorance and many other things. It wasn't even much hate but just people being a certain way on the internet. Just the plain hate I don't care about. So I couldn't see myself anymore, wouldn't know how to record anymore, would hide and rethink each step. Can I do this or that, what are people going to say. Can I use this object or are people going to say it looks like a male reproductions organ? Can I say this or people will think it sounds sexual. Can I look there, can I breathe like this, can I wear this? Am I allowed to be sensual or is it generally not allowed? I started to censor myself and lost all fun at creating. In 2017 I had made many playful and fun videos, experimented, but with the vawe it brought at the end of that year already i lost it all and became just plain, afraid of doing what I think is ok. It was so difficult that once I would start the camera I felt like I can't speak anymore. Didn't know anything to say, wouldn't know if it is my English or what's wrong. I ended up taking a break. Not on purpose. I suddenly couldn't force myself to upload videos anymore. After some time for myself I am back now. I won't hide trying to be different just because it seems to others to be the better way to be. I am sure not ideal but I want to love what I do and I want to do how I please, not others. Only this way I can enjoy it again and love my viewer. And for everyone who doesnt like it - that is fine. But you have to understand that I go my way, that is what we all should do. And don't be angry with me for doing things you don't like but be happy for me because I enjoy it so much more now! And if our way parts here I understand too! Maybe some day we come together again, things always evolve! But I am happy about everyone who is going this journey with me! And I do think it will be fun!